summer travel ideas

Camping?
Cruise?
Road trip?
How about a road trip to Japan?
Google Maps can help you get there.
It will only take you 7,875 mi – about 35 days 3 hours -- from California to Japan.
Plus a kayak.
Click on "view larger map" below.

View Larger Map

interwebs battle

hello my name is anonymous and i am an addict.

my drug of choice?
Battle of the Network Stars

i.cannot.stop.watching.

youtube is my pusher.
pushing Loretta Swit, Billy Crystal, and for the love of goddess sister choney--David Letterman.

All with that seductive irresistible play-by-play crooning of Howard Cosell.

experimental pharmaceutical treatments?

hypnotherapy?

i am willing to do what it takes to overcome my addiction.

thank you and good night.


** ps linda carter's (aka wonder woman's) mammaries are peeking through right? that's why they are all laughing about right? Psst. wonder woman, soooo embarrassing!

KISS locally

KISS :pyrotechnically local.

"That's the territory of his heart."

my mother's day present to myself.
ah,maaaay,zing.

love bites

Sexy peruvian him: (Pointing to tortilla chips)
"so when you put cheese on these they are called mochos?"

Me:
nachos. N A C H O S.

my dutiful laundrette

laundromats are fundamental to my homewrecker (read: homemaker) duties.

my preferred establishment? launderosa.

i don't really ever switch it up. except for yesterday. it was hot here. so i switched to a laundromat near the bay.

big. mistake.
creepers, broken machines, and untidy all around.
didn't even compare in the slightest way to my beloved launderosa.

these guys know what i am talking about:
coin laundry association

i am yours

An ocean’s garbled vomit on the shore
Los Angeles, I’m yours

sometimes i feel like a nut...

number of emails i've received offering condolences:
7

number of calls/voicemails to check if i have heard the news:
3

number of calls/voicemails/emails to inquire whether or not my 20 year + obsession with letterman has now come to an end:
5

Psssst.... interwebs.
i am okay.
and i am still obsessed.

Under the rainbow

I have been experiencing close encounters of the midget kind.
Midgets.
Dwarfs.
Little people.

Close encounter 1:
The republican carpool.
One of the middle schoolers I carpool around is a little person. My kidlette befriended Jane Doe Little Person (JDLP) over the summer, she had just moved to town and was about to enter the lion’s den aka junior high -- and my rock star daughter totally embraced this young lady’s sweet spirit and they became fast friends. JDLP dispelled any preconceptions I had about… republicans.

Close encounter 2:
Kidlette and I were at a yummy burger joint in Los Osos last week and there was a family of midgets at a table near us. Mom, Dad, little boy and toddler boy in a high chair. They were all little people. The boys had the most amazing blond curls, super cute!

An obnoxious pair of college students (both wearing Poly sweatshirts) sat at the table across from the family and the poly dolly leans across the table to her frat bf and says in a loud voice but shielding her face with the menu:
Dolly: “Like, I totally can’t eat if I have to stare at those people while I am eating! They make me sick to my stomach.”

Midget dad: looks over at her and starts laughing and shaking his head.

Polly dolly starts getting more obnoxious and saying how “gross” it is that people like them are allowed to have children, in the most high pitched squeaky voice. At this point the little toddler keeps turning around to see who is making all the racket, and the polly dolly finally gets up and moves.

The family got up and left, with the dad vibing the students as they walked out the door.

I wish I had said something before the family had left, but instead I went up to the polly dolly afterwords and said:
Me: “It’s ignorant sluts like you who make me sick to MY stomach. That sort of bigoted attitude makes you the ugliest person I have ever met.

Close encounter 3:
This morning I was at our uptown coffee shop reading the newspaper, when behind me I hear this man start to yell. Scream. Howl. Generally freaking the Shiite out of me. So this is one of those situations where the entire incident probably lasted like 3 seconds but it seemed like hours as it was unfolding.

My back is still turned to him, because I could tell that he was bat shit crazy, and if I drew any attention to him it could get worse. But then he starts talking. Scary Crazy talking:
“I’ve got my gun ready and I am going to blow your eyes out newspaper woman!” and so on and so forth.

So I look at the barristas because at this point they have stopped making drinks and are glancing towards the crazy man, with looks of not terror, but looks of complete befuddlement.

I look at the business guys sitting across from me and they too are looking over my shoulder towards bat shit crazy man…but NOT in an OMG we need to protect this woman from the man of terror, but rather looks of strained perplexity.

It is at this point I risk it all --- being shot in the head, tackled from behind, what have you, and just get up and turn and face my aggressor.

Um, well. He was a little person. A little mentally disturbed homeless little person. The moment I turned to face him, he walked out the door not saying a word.

My heart sank to my shoes, and I felt so bad for him. I thought about him most the day. Wondering what his story was, hoping he makes it through the crazy.

links:
:: one of my favorite wizard of oz related movies: under the rainbow
:: love under 3ft
:: short stature support

Universal consolation

did i mention i got a consolation prize from letterman? tickets to universal studios. i think it was an ironic gag from the letterman show, since universal is jay leno's turf...

but, kidlette and i are headed there this morning...and by "there" i really mean my "childhood."

last time i was at universal studios?
when the JAWS ride opened.
J A W S.
As in the epic movie.
30+ years ago.

my cousins, aunt, twinny sister, and i stood in line overnight to be one of the first to ride the tram. i think i was little...like 5 years-old.

so i am revisiting my childhood. what are you up to today?

I heart NYC

Update: i got the trivia question wrong. WRONG! i got the question wrong!!!!!!

guess what?
i won a trip to see the david letterman show.

yep. flying to NYC saturday - seeing the show on monday.

AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!

I.am.so.freaking.out.

oh es see aye are (OSCAR)

morning.


it's me, live blogging oscar nominations.

5:21am
issues with the live stream.

5:31am
bbc news rocks...

5:34am
waiting....feeling the anticipation!

5:37:am
forest whitaker is going to read the nominations...one minute countdown!

5:40am
sid ganis and forest on stage.


... best actress wow!
... best actor... heath is there

... anne hathaway!
... mickey is on the list!
... they love slum and benjamin
... happy go lucky and in bruge get screenplay shout outs
...foreign films...didn't see any of them
... best pics...benjamin; frost; milk (yes); reader; and slum ( i smell me a little movie that could)

and end.

afterthoughts:
:: slum dog got nominated for two best songs...so cool. i loved the music in this film.
:: okay, brad and angie both nominated this year? why hollywood loves these two so much :is beyond me.
:: benjamin button best make-up? huh? wasn't that all cgi computer tricks?
:: trouble the water got a nod though...so happy about that.

FULL LIST of nominations:

Nominees for the 81st Academy Awards

Performance by an actor in a leading role

• Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor” (Overture Films)
• Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon” (Universal)
• Sean Penn in “Milk” (Focus Features)
• Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
• Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

• Josh Brolin in “Milk” (Focus Features)
• Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder” (DreamWorks, Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
• Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt” (Miramax)
• Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.)
• Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage)

Performance by an actress in a leading role

• Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married” (Sony Pictures Classics)
• Angelina Jolie in “Changeling” (Universal)
• Melissa Leo in “Frozen River” (Sony Pictures Classics)
• Meryl Streep in “Doubt” (Miramax)
• Kate Winslet in “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

• Amy Adams in “Doubt” (Miramax)
• Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (The Weinstein Company)
• Viola Davis in “Doubt” (Miramax)
• Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
• Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight)

Best animated feature film of the year

• “Bolt” (Walt Disney), Chris Williams and Byron Howard
• “Kung Fu Panda” (DreamWorks Animation, Distributed by Paramount), John Stevenson and Mark Osborne
• “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Andrew Stanton

Achievement in art direction

• “Changeling” (Universal), Art Direction: James J. Murakami, Set Decoration: Gary Fettis
• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Donald Graham Burt, Set Decoration: Victor J. Zolfo
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Nathan Crowley, Set Decoration: Peter Lando
• “The Duchess” (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Art Direction: Michael Carlin, Set Decoration: Rebecca Alleway
• “Revolutionary Road” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Art Direction: Kristi Zea, Set Decoration: Debra Schutt

Achievement in cinematography

• “Changeling” (Universal), Tom Stern
• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Claudio Miranda
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Wally Pfister
• “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Chris Menges and Roger Deakins
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Anthony Dod Mantle

Achievement in costume design

• “Australia” (20th Century Fox), Catherine Martin
• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Jacqueline West
• “The Duchess” (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Michael O’Connor
• “Milk” (Focus Features), Danny Glicker
• “Revolutionary Road” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Albert Wolsky

Achievement in directing

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Fincher
• “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Ron Howard
• “Milk” (Focus Features), Gus Van Sant
• “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Stephen Daldry
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Danny Boyle

Best documentary feature

• “The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)” (Cinema Guild), A Pandinlao Films Production, Ellen Kuras and Thavisouk Phrasavath
• “Encounters at the End of the World” (THINKFilm and Image Entertainment), A Creative Differences Production, Werner Herzog and Henry Kaiser
• “The Garden” A Black Valley Films Production, Scott Hamilton Kennedy
• “Man on Wire” (Magnolia Pictures), A Wall to Wall Production, James Marsh and Simon Chinn
• “Trouble the Water” (Zeitgeist Films), An Elsewhere Films Production, Tia Lessin and Carl Deal

Best documentary short subject

• “The Conscience of Nhem En” A Farallon Films Production, Steven Okazaki
• “The Final Inch” A Vermilion Films Production, Irene Taylor Brodsky and Tom Grant
• “Smile Pinki” A Principe Production, Megan Mylan
• “The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306” A Rock Paper Scissors Production, Adam Pertofsky and Margaret Hyde

Achievement in film editing

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Lee Smith
• “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Mike Hill and Dan Hanley
• “Milk” (Focus Features), Elliot Graham
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Chris Dickens

Best foreign language film of the year

• “The Baader Meinhof Complex” A Constantin Film Production, Germany
• “The Class” (Sony Pictures Classics), A Haut et Court Production, France
• “Departures” (Regent Releasing), A Departures Film Partners Production, Japan
• “Revanche” (Janus Films), A Prisma Film/Fernseh Production, Austria
• “Waltz with Bashir” (Sony Pictures Classics), A Bridgit Folman Film Gang Production, Israel

Achievement in makeup

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Greg Cannom
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan
• “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” (Universal), Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.),Alexandre Desplat
• “Defiance” (Paramount Vantage), James Newton Howard
• “Milk” (Focus Features), Danny Elfman
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), A.R. Rahman
• “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Thomas Newman

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

• “Down to Earth” from “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Music by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Lyric by Peter Gabriel
• “Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Gulzar
• “O Saya” from “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Music and Lyric by A.R. Rahman andMaya Arulpragasam
  

Best motion picture of the year

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), A Kennedy/Marshall Production, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
• “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), A Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment and Working Title Production,Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers
• “Milk” (Focus Features), A Groundswell and Jinks/Cohen Company Production, Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers
• “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Nominees to be determined
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), A Celador Films Production,Christian Colson, Producer

Best animated short film

• “La Maison en Petits Cubes” A Robot Communications Production, Kunio Kato
• “Lavatory - Lovestory” A Melnitsa Animation Studio and CTB Film Company Production, Konstantin Bronzit
• “Oktapodi” (Talantis Films) A Gobelins, L’école de l’image Production, Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand
• “Presto” (Walt Disney) A Pixar Animation Studios Production, Doug Sweetland
• “This Way Up”, A Nexus Production, Alan Smith and Adam Foulkes

Best live action short film

• “Auf der Strecke (On the Line)” (Hamburg Shortfilmagency), An Academy of Media Arts Cologne Production, Reto Caffi
• “Manon on the Asphalt” (La Luna Productions), A La Luna Production, Elizabeth Marre and Olivier Pont
• “New Boy” (Network Ireland Television), A Zanzibar Films Production, Steph Green and Tamara Anghie
• “The Pig” An M & M Production, Tivi Magnusson and Dorte Høgh
• “Spielzeugland (Toyland)” A Mephisto Film Production, Jochen Alexander Freydank

Achievement in sound editing

• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Richard King
• “Iron Man” (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), Frank Eulner and Christopher Boyes
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Tom Sayers
• “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood
• “Wanted” (Universal),Wylie Stateman

Achievement in sound mixing

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Mark Weingarten
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty
• “WALL-E” (Walt Disney),Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt
• “Wanted” (Universal), Chris Jenkins, Frank A. Montaño and Petr Forejt

Achievement in visual effects

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
• “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.), Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
• “Iron Man” (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan

Adapted screenplay

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
• “Doubt” (Miramax), Written by John Patrick Shanley
• “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Screenplay by Peter Morgan
• “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Screenplay by David Hare
• “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy

Original screenplay

• “Frozen River” (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Courtney Hunt
• “Happy-Go-Lucky” (Miramax), Written by Mike Leigh
• “In Bruges” (Focus Features), Written by Martin McDonagh
• “Milk” (Focus Features), Written by Dustin Lance Black
• “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter
  

O B A M A

Dear Blog, it's me regret.

Did you know that regret rhymes with Arquette.
And when i say Arquette, i mean Rosanna Arquette.
Yes that one.
The one who starred in Desperately Seeking Susan. The movie that changed my entire teenaged life. The movie that catapulted me into my 80s new wave persona that i have never managed to let go of - like EVER.

I met Rosanna today. (read: i stalked her)

Kidlette and i were seated at the counter of our local gaudy coffee shop and there she was.
Eating.
Eating and being surly to the waitress while at the same time doting on her daughter and trying to be casual with the simple real-world town folk.

I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
Oh.
My.
God.
Rosanna Arquette!!! Sitting, eating at the ... wait for it... Madonna Inn. (as in the kitschy Hotel...not the 80s icon Madonna who co-starred with her in the epic film...but holy sister choney, how fabulously ironic!!!)

So i am trying to hold it together and like a National Geographic special, I just gazed at her … so unreal!! There she was.
Meet you all the way, meet you all the way, rosannnnnuh
So I have regrets.
I regret not trying to get a picture of her
I regret not trying to talk to her
I regret losing the fake pyramid jacket from the movie my granny recreated for me
I regret that the 80s are totally over

Oh the regret!!!!

Glib Globes

tom? tom cruise?

mr. Scientology was nominated with a golden globe in the category for...
ready?

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

i predict a very glib 2009.

fight the H8 with love

day without a gay
share the love people.

12/11/08: update
calling in gay? fizzled.
:(

Pop Quiz

Q: I spent my thanksgiving with…
A) Family

B) Dolts

C) Transgendered Vietnam Vet

D) All of the above


Q: If y = -3 csc(4x) then y'(0) =
A ) -12

B) -48

C) 0

D) 23

E) Running into former lover and his wife at the Arclight


Q: Teen flicks about vampires in love are…
A) my “brand of heroin”

B) “a softened, hackneyed horror show of synthetic affection” for non-teens

C) just another example of how mormons are the new scientologists

D) they were vampires? I thought it was a rerun of Punky Brewster

E) A means to escape and tune out crazy family situations

our lady...

been in E.LosAngeles for 6 days trying to help my elderly grandparents find a nursing home to move to. here are the highlights:
:: breakfast at the VFW, as well as lunch, and oh boy, dinner!
:: vietnam cholo vet at the VFW asking me to marry him while grabbing at my rack
:: my grandpa smacking vietnam cholo vet with his cane
:: 5 sleepless nights trying to convince my gramps that the house is not shaking, it is he who is shaking
:: finding out my greedy aunt established a trust for my grandparents where she is the beneficiary and their assets can't go to their care now. MOTHER FUCKER.
:: taking my grandma to church where she started washing herself in the holy water. (she has alzheimer's)
:: escaping to olvera street for taquitos and bringing back philippe's for my gramps.

reinforcements are on their way (my sister, bro-in-law, and my kidlette)

hoping all works out for my grandparents. thanks for your kind thoughts!

They're grrreat!

Great Cereals Time Line

Strange fascination, fascinating me. Changes are taking the pace Im going through

top laugh

simple little song.
simple little graphics.

but left a big impression.

i think this is exactly how i imagine all the little moments my kidlette and i have together.

last day...

to register to vote is today!!! (Oct. 20th)

Info here.

and here.

Take Me On...

Literally.
A-Ha’s “Take On Me” video which notes exactly what’s happening frame by 80s frame.

click. double click. right click.

little bits for your clicking pleasure:

:: filled with regret that you coasted through junior college, taking and retaking "basket weaving 101?"

well you shouldn't be.

Psssst. regret. meet Mary Jackson:
charleston native who just won a MacArthur Foundation’s annual genius grant for... BASKET WEAVING.


:: "the economy is about to crater" dave. dave letterman. please. run. for. president.

psa (public service announcement)

Time wounds all heals.

mormon pride and my prejudice

dear youtube,
first, i just want to say i am like, so your biggest fan.

i want to tell everybody how totally rad you are.
and by rad, i really mean bat shit crazy.

how else could i benefit from your platitudeness of the mormon reworkings of jane austen?

7 year itch

encounter by czeslaw milosz

we were riding through frozen fields in a wagon at dawn.
a red wing rose in the darkness.

and suddenly a hare ran across the road.
one of us pointed to it with his hand.

that was long ago. Today neither of them is alive,
not the hare, nor the man who made the gesture.

o my love, where are they, where are they going
the flash of a hand, streak of movement, rustle of pebbles.
I ask not out of sorrow, but in wonder.

7 years later, i think our country is still grieving.
no one knows quite what to do,
yet everyone knows what to do.
where are we going.
more sorrow than question.

Junior High: What's out, What's in

Out: NPR playing on our drive to school (sadness)
In: katy perry CD playing on our drive to school (ugh.)

Out: sack lunch
In: cafeteria food

Out: attitude
In: ambivalence

Out: memorizing schedule
In: writing schedule on fingernails (refer to pic)

Out: bedhead
In: perfectly flat ironed hair

Out: acne
In: zits

Out: backpacks
In: glittery side bags

Out: hello kitty
In: power rangers

Out: hysterically funny voicemails on our answering machine from 6th grade boys
In: terrifying moments in the hallways as 8th graders stop my 7th grade kidlette to tell her they "like" her*

*this news prompted me to have "the talk" with her and to lay down the law. OMG!

my position?

currently remaining seated.

In Memory

H O W A R D L O U I S

youngest son of chinese pioneer, Ah Louis

august 5, 1908 - august 15, 2008

he lived to see 100.

more about him here

and his family here

he and my kidlette were very close and we spent many hours hearing about his life and his funny advice for life.

we miss him with all our hearts.

i interrupt this blogcast to bring you an important flashback from the 80s

i give you:
the F L I R TS.
They were like the lady version of menudo.

the song that got me through 7th grade?
D A N G ER.


some may argue that their song, ''don't put another dime in the juke box" is their signature song, but anyone who was clubbing in the 80s in east LA knows that their single, Danger was the BOMB.

tan legos del corazón...

i have been remembering odd things from my childhood lately.

usually around dawn..half awake half dreaming.

i've been having memories of my abuelo who passed away last year.
i miss him lots.

he would always end our visits or talks on the phone with:
"cuando legos de ojo, tan legos del corazón" -- when far from sight, far from heart.
one thing i remembered this morning was this lamp that used to hang in his living room:

when i was little it was so magical! it had these little rain beads that rippled up and down. i would stare and stare at it trying to figure out how it worked.

one day i piled some books on top of a chair and reached up and grabbed at the rain beads. when i looked at my hand it was covered in oil and the stream of rain now was dripping a new course from the lamp right onto my gringa grandma's shag off-white carpet.
OOPS!

my abuelo was a cop for LAPD and his beat was el segundo -- aka LAX (the airport)
he would bring home really cool things.
mini-cans of shasta soda.
extra salty mini bags of peanuts.
and crazy weirdly preserved snack trays.

everything was mini. but his heart was huge.

H O L I D A Y

On our way to a remote coastal lighthouse for 9 days.
No phones.
No interwebs.

Just ocean, books, shells, pebbles, sand, and sun. I will be sure and send you a postcard.

If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice

Fine tuning my inner dork

Stacey Q. Anyone? Anyone?
Here is a reminder.
I MET HER. in person. at a random Starbucks in my own little podunk town.

she was in front of me in line and when she ordered and i heard her voice, i had this weird flashback to the 80s. and when it dawned on me who she was --- i totally TOTALLY FREAKED the fuck out and totally called her on her 80s shit.

she was nice about it, and was polite enough to shoot the shit with me the entire time i waited for my large (notice i didn't use "Venti") no-foam latte.

observation #1: looks exactly the same. exactly.

observation #2: i think she hasn't eaten since the 80s.

facto #1: still in the music biz.

facto #2: she told me that she wrote ALL of her lyrics.

matter of fact: pop princess? no, Pop QUEEN.

make me care

they care enough to levitate while shopping.


somebody cares about the 1980s.

he cared about reel-to-reel and john lennon. it went like this.


notey bits left behind, because they could care less.

you care. because he cares.

oh critters. nobody cares.

zikes! holy mary mary mother contrary

Unsolicited advice from wicked, wicked,wicked mothers.
:: candy cigarettes
When your daughter's summer camp leader calls to tell you about your daughter purchasing candy cigarettes during a field trip, [which i guess is a bad thing] don't volunteer the fact that you are totally 'cool' with that shizzle and that it is 'no probs' because you already bought her a pack because you thought they would soon be a collectors item.

:: squeaky toddler shoes
When some batshit crazy yuppie mom at Barnes and Noble walks by with her toddler in tow, wait, yes WAIT to express just how FUCKING annoying her little kid's squeaky shoes are until they are clearly far enough away as to not overhear you.

end of days?

regrets

that i was too old for fraggle rock

that i am neither a sports fan nor a fan of icecream, but that has been remedied

that i wasn't a rock star in 7th grade

somebody loves me...

sometimes hard work brings nice rewards. TLM (the latino museum) wants to meet with me.

yes, me.

they want to use my LA-based exhibition concept as one of their inaugural exhibitions.

viva!

viva!!

viva!!!

The Sound and the Machiavelli...

:: beat this.



:: translate this.

caution: jazz hands

inappropriate things are happening in the world. yes. they are. right now as you are reading this.

:|: caught in the act :|:
crotch inappropriateness

:|: the effin' bitch song :|:
not appropriate for the elderly, young, or your colleagues.

Disclaimer:
:: NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT ::

please click here to find the effin' bitch song by everyone's favorite diva, avari.
(rhymes with Atari)

question

Q: whatever happened to dan quayle?
yes, THAT dan quayle.


A: apparently he has started his own museum.
"From indispensable patriots to infamous traitors, the Dan Quayle Vice Presidential Museum is the place to discover the unique stories of each man who has ever held our nation's second most powerful office."

Um. dude. total, total, nutter.

Some quayle quotes for your enjoyment:
:: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

:: "The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you like a puppy?"

How to be...

:: how to be a queen = Leftovers!

:: how to be a good homemaker = accessories

:: how to be at peace with absent mindedness = Phone your Phone!

people abhorring/ adoring people

Conspiracy one:
i think I am being profiled by the police.
No.
Really.
I am one of those profile cases.

Case in point:
I made an absolutely 100% illegal u-turn right in front of a police officer on a motorbike…
And what happened?
Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, and nothing.

Just because I drive a mini-van doesn’t mean you can profile me as a non-threatening soccer mom and NOT PULL ME OVER.

Conspiracy two:
Um, so can enlightenment ever be reached if someone has neglected to return the Buddhist magazines borrowed well over 2 years ago?

Musings

Have a fear of museums? Spastic school children on field trips too much for you?

Well the internet wants to help you by providing for your virtual pleasure:
Museums you can enjoy without having to move your ass out of your chair.

Ever wonder what Burt Reynolds fans are up to? Please visit:
The Burt Reynolds Museum

Like me, did you wake up this morning and mutter to yourself: “Gee, I wish there was a museum where I could view Scientifically Accurate Fabric Brain Art.”

Ask, and you shall receive:
The Museum of Scientifically Accurate Fabric Brain Art.


Museum for the brokenhearted:
Weird bits of "it's not you, it's me"

Exhibit A

I collect things.
Lots
And
Lots
Of
Things.

I feel justified in my habits.
Collected bits you should take a look at:

:: Miss those track suits from the 70s and 80s?
--> Slip this on for size: Trackies


:: Pocket protectors? They are all the rage this spring
--> "I'm not just a collector, I am also a wearer."

:: Got a hankering to create your own collection?
--> TATE modern wants to feed your soul:

:: One of those bits that I invented in my imagination but never got any further with…
--> collections of Thrift store Art

:: the gallery of cereal boxes
--> you will never look at morning the same.

And...
:: Skaters immortalized through lamination and now available on the interwebs:
--> Let us now document our nation's Skater IDs

Knockity knock knock

knock knock?
who's there?
spastic.

knock knock?
who's there?
super good

knock knock?
who's there?
super weird

knock knock?
who's there?
super duper

knock knock?
who's there?
super fluff

quote

“Mr. Clinton, sir, America didn’t trust you with our health care system.
America didn’t trust you with gays in the military.
America doesn’t trust you with our 21-year-old daughters,
and we sure, Lord, don’t trust you with our guns.”
--Charlton Heston
In his speech at the association’s convention before his election, he trained his oratorical artillery on President Bill Clinton’s White House.

(not that i agree with mr. heston's sentiments, but mother effer, that is a damn good quote.)

The janitor HATES me.

Hate is a strong word, I know. But the alternatives don’t seem to fit:
dislike.
abhor.
detest.
loathe.

I keeping asking myself, WHY.

Why does the janitor hate me?

:: Is it because I use the title ‘janitor?’ What should I call her instead?
custodian?
sanitation engineer?
(In my own defense I still use ‘stewardess’ instead of ‘flight attendant.’ I think it is a nervous tick.)

:: Is it because of the loose styrofoam peanuts in the recycling?
IT. WASN’T. ME.

:: Is it because the staff toilet room always smells like poo?
IT. WASN’T. ME.

I always say hello.
I clean up my dishes in the sink right away.
I try to be tidy.
I even accidentally dropped the entire contents of a bag of Doritos on the floor… and quickly swept up every crumb.

Sigh.

speech

my hero.

when the hyphen disappears...

"I’ve always been interested in when the hyphen disappears —
you know... actor-waiter, cabdriver-writer -- and you have to settle for who you are.”
:: author Richard Price

I am in the early stages of removing that hyphen myself. Will let you know what i discover.

High Times

Pssst. Poppets. Ready for a conspiracy?
what.is.up.with.the.solar.system?

So like, now there are 11 planets in our solar system. What up? I didn't get the memo on that one.

I knew that there was that little incident with pluto a little while back, (you, know how they nixed him as a planet) but how did we get to 11?

In order of increasing distance from the sun, they are:

1. Mercury,
2. Venus,
   
3. Earth,
   
4. Mars,
   
5. Ceres,
   
6. Jupiter,
   
7. Saturn,
   
8. Uranus,
   
9. Neptune,
   
10. Pluto and
    
11. Eris.
    

Ceres, Pluto and Eris are considered dwarf planets.

Like. OMG, there was even a planetary mnemonic contest held. The winner?

"My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants."

And internets, you might want to get that barf bag ready:
There is also going to be a song by Lisa Loeb, using the aforementioned mnemonic as the lyrics.

And by the by, who comes up with the names of these new planets? Eris? This is the goddess of strife and discord. For fucks sake, the damn orb already has a complex with being labeled a "dwarf." Can we get a little compassion? Pluto actually has a cool story behind its name.

And lastly, there is the confusion.
Nine? Eight?
Eleven? Twelve? I think the web needs clarity people.

C L A R I T Y.

oscars were "swell"

oscar highlights for me:
:: gary busey and his sociopathness on the red carpet.

:: marion cotillard winning best actress (loved her speech: "it is true there are angels in this city." i saw this movie 4 times at the palm. THE BEST OF 2007.

:: my peeps glen and marketa winning the oscar for best original song...it seems like just yesterday when i saw them last...(please refer to photo)

:: best highlight? um, my kidlette WON THE OSCAR POOL!!! seriously, she is a better investment than my mutual funds.

everybody hurts...

hello poppets.

i've been neglectful. let me share some bits for you to make up for lost time:

:: have you ever fucked up? i mean really fucked up?
fucked up so bad you never saw it coming? stone cold fox and virtuoso David Garrett, fucked up. he tripped and smashed his 290-year-old Stradivarius to bits. to B I T S!

:: visited 'camp snoopy' aka california men's colony...
aka P R I S O N.
---was invited to a private performance of the London Shakespeare Workout Prison Project. i have to say i went in a little apprehensive and wondering why my tax dollars were being used to entertain felons ...

BUT was completely blown away by the prison talent. these guys put everything they had into their performances. never once breaking from their character. the LA Times covered it, read more...here.

i know this sounds so cliché, but these guys were in a lot of pain. you could see it in their performances. there were genuine tears.

was it regret? remorse? respect? i think it was rehabilitation working it's magic. even one of the guards said something similar. that in the yard these men self-segregate by race, or gang...in the play they were colleagues.

as i was leaving one of the men stopped me and shook my hand and said:
"thank you for trusting us."

:: there are more bits i could share, like stuff and stuff. but let's not go there shall we?

voter transactions

me: (at voting booth, TRYing to vote)

kidlette: "mommy, do you think george bush is packing his bags?"

me: laughing hysterically.

h e r o e s

so last night i sat down with one of my heroes in the art/illustration/journaling world.

W H O?

internets, i got to hang with my hobo artist hero!

Mr. Price is biking his way along the coast and stopped into my little coastal paradise. what a joy and wickedly cool moment for me!!! (oh and how cool was his pal mr. gregory?)

Mr. Price doesn't travel by emissions, and thus bikes through life. he showed me some of his internets links of artists he likes:
this guy

and

this guy

then our mutual friend linked to
this guy

i am still like, wow.

w o w is all i got right now.

how about some other esoteric questions and links?
i give you:

:: is it cheeseburger in a can? does anyone speak german?
w h a t is it?

:: need to survive on the moon? go here.

:: all the supernatural news that is fit to print.

:: not sure how to explain this one. anyone? anyone?

:: and just because he has been on my mind a lot lately:
i give you tiny tim.

80th Oscar Nominees List

80th Academy Awards: the announcements were just made!!!

SO MANY SURPRISES!
my thoughts on some of the bits:
1. spot-on for Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" SHE WAS FABULOUS!

2. Little girl in Atonement, Saoirse Ronan - she was INTENSE

3. Juno for best original screenplay, eh...what evs. Diablo CROTCHY? one-hit wonder.

4. Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James" so well DESERVED.

5. the Romanian movie, 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days - was ROBBED! it was not nominated in best foreign film. I guess hollywood can accommodate a film like juno but not a film that has a real take on abortion. LAME.


Announced Categories
Performance by an actor in a leading role

• George Clooney in "Michael Clayton"
• Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood"
• Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
• Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah"
• Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises"

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

• Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
• Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men"
• Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War"
• Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild"
• Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton"

Performance by an actress in a leading role

• Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
  
• Julie Christie in "Away from Her"
  
• Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose"
• Laura Linney in "The Savages"
  
• Ellen Page in "Juno"
  

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

• Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There"
• Ruby Dee in "American Gangster"
• Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement"
• Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone"
• Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton"

Best animated feature film of the year

• "Persepolis" (Sony Pictures Classics): Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
• "Ratatouille" (Walt Disney): Brad Bird
• "Surf's Up" (Sony Pictures Releasing): Ash Brannon and Chris Buck

Achievement in art direction

• "American Gangster"
• "Atonement"
• "The Golden Compass"
• "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
• "There Will Be Blood"

Achievement in cinematography

• "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
• "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
• "No Country for Old Men"
• "There Will Be Blood"

Achievement in directing

• "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn), Julian Schnabel
• "Juno" (Fox Searchlight), Jason Reitman
• "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Tony Gilroy
• "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
• "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Paul Thomas Anderson

Best documentary feature

• "No End in Sight"
• "Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience"
• "Sicko": Michael Moore and Meghan O'Hara
• "Taxi to the Dark Side"
• "War/Dance"

Best documentary short subject

• "Freeheld" A Lieutenant Films Production: Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth
• "La Corona (The Crown)" A Runaway Films and Vega Films Production: Amanda Micheli and Isabel Vega
• "Salim Baba" A Ropa Vieja Films and Paradox Smoke Production: Tim Sternberg and Francisco Bello
• "Sari's Mother" (Cinema Guild) A Daylight Factory Production: James Longley

Achievement in film editing

• "The Bourne Ultimatum" (Universal): Christopher Rouse
• "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn): Juliette Welfling
• "Into the Wild" (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment): Jay Cassidy
• "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roderick Jaynes
• "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax): Dylan Tichenor

Best foreign language film of the year

• "Beaufort" Israel
• "The Counterfeiters" Austria
• "Katyn" Poland
• "Mongol" Kazakhstan
• "12" Russia

Best motion picture of the year

• "Atonement" (Focus Features)
• "Juno" (Fox Searchlight)
• "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)
• "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
• "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)

Adapted screenplay

• "Atonement" (Focus Features), Screenplay by Christopher Hampton
• "Away from Her" (Lionsgate), Written by Sarah Polley
• "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn), Screenplay by Ronald Harwood
• "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
• "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Written for the screen by Paul Thomas Anderson

Original screenplay

• "Juno" (Fox Searchlight), Written by Diablo Cody
• "Lars and the Real Girl" (MGM), Written by Nancy Oliver
• "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Written by Tony Gilroy
• "Ratatouille" (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Brad Bird; Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
• "The Savages" (Fox Searchlight), Written by Tamara Jenkins

Now I lay me down to sleep…

....I pray the WGA doesn’t make me weep.

tomorrow at 5:30am the academy announces the oscar nominees. oscar season is upon us.

please please please please PLEASE resolve the WGA strike before february 24th.

can i get a collective sigh?

S I G H.

ulcers, panic attacks, general hysteria ...

the globes.
the globes.

first went and pulled out the tv only to discover nbc wasn't broadcasting the globes press conference.

then turned to the internets.

cnn? didn't have the plug-in.

abc? shizzle. had to join their "community"

who saved me?

LA TIMES.

whew.

so winners? losers?

let's recap:
atonement = best pic.
i liked this flick. really. the sound and visuals alone made it for me.

made me want to vomit:
julie.christie - away from her. - best actress.
I HATED this movie.


Juno.
lost big for such a little movie.

what rocked the house?
marion cotillard - la vie en rose. - actress in musical or comedy
i saw this move FOUR times when it was in theatres.
i.love.it.
my favorite flick of the year.

cate blanchett - i'm not there - supporting actress.
she hit it out of the park in this role.

screen writing bits
juno - thank goddess the stripper lost to the well deserved winning siblings the coen brothers. them boys are bad-ass mo-fros.

best foreign matched best director...
diving bell and the butterfly won both.

then there were the TV bits that i can give a crack about since i don't get cable. but good for queen latifah for winning a little something something.

crooked-necked Gemina: 1987-2008

Santa Barbara Zoo’s crooked-necked giraffe dead at 21

By Associated Press

Santa Barbara Zoo’s crooked-necked giraffe Sweet Gemina has died at 21.

The giraffe, popular with visitors because of crooked-neck abnormality, was euthanized by zoo officials because of declining health, most notably a lack of appetite.

Results of a necropsy won’t be available for weeks, but zoo officials say they don’t believe her ailing health was a result of her neck condition.

Gemina was born in 1986 at the San Diego Wild Animal Park to Ginger and Black Jack, both of them Barring giraffes. Gemina arrived at the Santa Barbara Zoo a year later.

Her crooked neck began appearing around the age of 3. The cause of the abnormality wasn’t known.

You can grieve here

So sad!! I loved that crooked-necked tall bitty.

don't walk away...

"I've discovered you can't just build something and walk away from it, you have to keep involved to ensure it will be a success."
--Sir Edmund Hillary

I can get behind a statement like that 100%.
So pertinent to:
:: raising my daughter
:: projects i am involved with

Sir Hillary was one righteous dude.

Random bits that synopsize 2007

:: de abba is visionary
:: de old age is lugubrious
:: de troll is parsimonious
:: de theorists is grandiloquent
:: de coloring is omnipotent

goodbye
:: charles nelson reilly
:: tammy faye baker
:: gehry proteges on motorbikes
:: emotionally retarded asshats formally known as 'husband' or 'boyfriend' or 'lover' (feel free to insert appropriate title)

hello
:: airline travel
:: fine art of chit chat
:: conspiracy
:: brutally honest conversations

the last hours of 2007 were spent in big sur gazing at the sunset, condors, and tons and tons of man-candy.

the early morning hours of 2008 were spent with my girls gone mild crew, laughing, planning and plotting what sort of despots we will become for 2008.

happy 2008.
year of the rat (my year and my kidlette's year)
year of the despot

so many metaphors so little time

...so i will just say
H A P P Y HOLIDAYS.


the small print:
yes, the holiday cards didn't make it out the door.
i am thinking about thinking maybe sending 'new years' cards.
but i have been battling my inner G R I N C H.
stay tuned for who wins out.


hug / kiss

jiminy fucking cricket!

the 'booze-laden' golden globes and the oscars are probably kaput.

but who will save me?
alec.
alec baldwin.

all i want for xmas...

dear santa:

1. please end the writer's strike so that the world can have the goodness that only the golden globes and oscar's can bring.

2. a little corrugated box filled with conspiracy. oops, wait already got that:


3. a special song to sing this holiday season:


powered by ODEO

No love for Julie

Conversational hazards of telephone support:

Customer service agent: Amtrak customer support how can I help you?

Me: Hello, I would like to voice a complaint about one of your ticket agents.

Customer service agent: Amtrak prides itself in the best possible customer service; I will be more than happy to…

Me: look all I want to say is that the ticket agent - Julie, who answers calls for the status of trains is condescending.

Customer service agent: But she is computerized.

Me: No, I said con.de.scen.ding

Customer service agent: You don't get it, Julie is an automated ticket agent, a computerized automated voice system.

Me: Whatever, all I am saying is that she was totally incompetent and snarky. Not getting it, asking me to constantly repeat myself.
Julie: “ I didn't understand. Please say "Schedule." “ I still didn't get that.” “I'm having trouble understanding you.”

Customer service agent: BUT SHE IS an interactive voice response agent!

Me: she is an interactive nincompoop!

Customer service agent: [click.]

2007 is ending on a high note....

seeing andrew bird helped.
(please excuse my horrible attempt at video)

Changing landscape

:: Start ::

Earthquakes, global warming, carbon footprints, as well as any number of topographic complexities, or climatic variabilities can bring about a change.

But the changing landscape I am thinking of is the change in relationships brought on by dissipating friendships, long lost lovers, disinterest, and death just to highlight a few. The landscape looks different. There are bits missing, new bits, old bits.

The landscape around me has been changing slowly, swiftly, unexpectedly.

Changes like people (and by people I really mean assholes*) i no longer want to be around…
friends who are no longer at arms length for geographic reasons…
family dismembers (and by family members I really mean people*,) who are no longer in the frame…
and true FAMILY and friends who have left this earth for celestial travels I can not even imagine.

So the landscape changed right before thanksgiving. My gramps died.
Nothing.
More nothing.
Then tears.
Tears.
Tears.
More tears.

I miss his voice. His energy. His traditions. He was a little Mexican man with such a big passion for family and his culture.

I am in a true blue funk that is gonna take a lot to recover from. But I am trying.


:: End ::

potty mouth

Psssst. internets.

can we discuss some intimacies of life?
the behind-closed-door topics everyone is so uncomfortable to discuss?

yes?
no?
yes?

topic:
:: people who take shits in the workplace public restroom ::
i know i know. toilets are meant for this sort of business.

but.
butt.
can't you take care of this at home?

i mean, walking into an unventilated restroom and being slammed in the head with a scent so foul, just makes for an unpleasant work environment.

seriously. human resources may have to get involved.

am i so wrong?
discuss.

invasion of the pod people

grasshopper, when you start to hear voices -- listen.

um, where to begin?

first a letter:
Nov. 11, 2007 2:00am
Dear George M., recent transplant from Jersey to Los Angeles of Greek descent;

It was a pleasure meeting you at the Dresden Lounge. Your command for all things RiteAid was very entertaining. You entranced us with your stories of fake boobs, Sylvester Stallone, and your spiritual connection with Mark Wahlberg.

We were so entranced, that when we slipped out without saying goodbye, it was because we hate goodbyes and we weren't trying to run to our car and speed away without looking back because we think you are a nutter, and i mean that in the most loving way.

Signed,
us

Second, i hear old people:
So, i was visiting my grandparents over the weekend and was sitting next to my gramps, when i thought i was going out of my mind.
I kept hearing V O I C E S.

I finally had to ask them to turn the TV off and stop talking and just listen.
Shhhhh.
Do you hear that?
Shhhhh.
That.
Is it...
a
radio?
A RADIO.
Do you hear that?
I hear a radio!
It is coming from around you gramps.
Wait.
Shhhh.
Hear that?
I think...
I think...
it is coming from around your head.

So, like my gramps just got new dentures and they are transmitting a spanish-language radio program from inside is mouth.
IN
SIDE
HIS
MOUTH

Apparently he has been hearing it for weeks.

ouch.

fritos: a discussion

hello poppets.

yes, i've been tardy (read: tawdry) lately in the blogliness. i've been busy.
comings and goings, lots of bits to keep track of.

first bit:
can we discuss fritos?
i love them.
1. they are crunchy heaven.
2. they only have three ingredients.
3. they are vegan. (although i am not)

other bits:
i am training to run a marathon. (highly possible that it gets downgraded to half-marathon)
:: getting up every morning at 4:30am hitting the gym... and every evening after work.

it is also highly possible that i will fail miserably, or run the race dressed as elvis--- but eh, failure is fabulous. i will keeps you updated.

misc. bits:
:: i love this song.
link is just the lyrics, but the song reminds me of a certain someone. i am in a reminiscing sort of mood, poppets.

explainer

CNN has a lot of explaining to do:




but before i could ferociously make fun of them and send the link to all my peeps, they fixed it:


in all seriousness, please let it rain soon.

the lost art of occupational hazards

The Hyphen
along with the "H" on my keyboard...the Hyphen has become obsolete.

Please say it ain't so.

God-Damn it! (or is it God Damn it?)

The Page-Turner*
The life of a page-turner is so hollywood.
"Grab Page, wait for nod, turn page fast!"


*or is it page "no hyphen" turner?

Recent itinerary

Pssst. Poppets.

Recently back from the dead only to return to the undead.

Here are a few recent updates:

:: Contemplated opening a dialog about Europeans.

:: Got an answer to a frequent question: “what the hell is up with swiss banks?”

:: Received a recent apology: “I am sorry your gay guy friend is in rehab and mine is backstage singing judy garland with rufus wainwright.”

:: post_it art involves skills such as…
-- math.
-- patience.

Neither of which I possess.

googlie googlie

recent bits of googling

:: hazards of microwaving pizza in foil

:: archangel raphael

:: inca empire

bits from a conversation...

me:
sorry i can't make it to your party.
was past life regressed over the weekend.
all my issues stem back 26 generations to the inca empire.
until i resolve my past self with
the inca's i am left unresolved in this life.
lots of work ahead of me.

d u d e .

dudeism is real in america.

creative! read: sell out!

no, really.

lame.major.sell.out.

read the fine print.

Raising children, raising hell + a bonus feature

Getting ready for the first day of sixth grade wasn’t easy. There was hairspray involved, lip-gloss, Bobbie pins, outfit changes, backpacks, sack lunch, and a sixth grade attitude.

I created this sweet monster with the giant attitude. I encouraged her civil disobedience, I supported ditching school for harry potter and pirates. I role modeled the correct way to raise hell. So I guess I can put up with the eye rolling but it was painful when she responded “NO WAY, HOW embarrassing!” when I offered to walk her to her classroom. My little kidlette is now officially a pre-teen.


+ bonus feature +
Psssst. Poppets.
Have you ever had that dream about brad pitt. You know THE dream.
THE dream where you are fiercely tooling away for the man at work -- underappreciated, underpaid and suddenly who walks in? BRAD PITT.
Just.
Walks.
In.
Off.
The.
Street.

And then he tells you how fabulous you are
and
you and he walk away arm-in-arm happily ever after?

Oh.
Poppets.
Wish me luck tomorrow. Because my dreams might come true.
(I can’t spill the beans, ‘cause it is a secret. But oh, is it delicious!)

BREAKING NEWS

kidlette is currently in morro bay protesting this aquarium and their inability to care for the sea life in their custody.

she created protest buttons, signs, and a petition.

SO PROUD.

Mother of invention

Pssst. Poppets. The intellectual center of the world was formed in my backyard.

Here is how righteously cool my smallness of a towness was.

:: The bra? Got it’s start here in slo county.
patent:1167741



:: The flyswatter? [read: insect beater]
Those flies never knew what hit them, but they remember who! [Whusssup Willard W. Kester from 1917]
patent:1225971



:: Not local but I can see where he was going with it.

cork swimsuit
patent:267799

addiction

i have a little addiction.

just a little one.

well maybe five.

i am addicted to abs fab aka AbFab.

season one all the way through to season five are online.

O N L I N E !

i need rehab.

rehab, poppets. r e h a b.

should i stay or should i go now?

:: the clash
:: blondie
:: tom tom club
:: the fixx

what do these bands have in commons besides the 80s?

they are all bands whose lyrics we will be singing around the campfire.

wish me luck poppets, i will be camping for a bit at the beach.

"Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know..."

one for the wank bank

conversations amongst friends:

...then he asks "are you flexible?" and i was all "do you mean emotionally or physically?"
and his nickname? "Big-rig" and no, he doesn't drive a semi-truck.

ouch.

who what where why

reading:
seven types of ambiguity, by william empson

eating:
lots of seaweed salad

drinking:
yerba mate

listening:
young mc
http://www.thenever.org/

saying:
http://justsayyes.org/
http://www.justsayno.org/
http://www.maybe.org/

keeping:
http://keepitpg.com/home.html

collecting:
http://www.iamnotafraidofyouandiwillbeatyourass.com/


looking:
http://www.iamaturtle.org/


selling:
http://www.humanforsale.com/

terrifying:
http://www.iamfuckingterrified.com/

Breaking News

What small towns classify as 'breaking news' ::

Posted on Thu, Jul. 05, 2007

Man in porta-potty struck by SUV

"A Grover Beach man using a porta-potty at Pismo Beach was struck by a sport-utility-vehicle.

David Fear, 56, said he was stunned and momentarily knocked unconscious when the driver of an SUV ran into the portable toilet he was using in a parking lot at the Pismo Beach Pier around 1:30 p.m. Wednesday.

Driver Terrance Sterling, 17, of Sunnyvale, accidentally put his car into reverse instead of drive and backed into a curb and the toilet, pushing the lavatory, police said. Fear said it was pushed about 10 feet.

“You could hear the scooting of a porta-potty on the ground,” said Pismo Beach Police Sgt. Steve Weir, who was nearby when the accident happened. “The guy inside bumped his head.”

Sterling was not cited.

Fear complained of pain to his head and back, but he was not seriously injured."

V O M I T

vomit vomit vomit

"Bush, who was under great pressure by Libby allies to pardon the former chief of staff, said that by commuting Libby's sentence he is still leaving "harsh" punishment in place."

Why everything you read here is utter bullshit

“What the Web 2.0 revolution is really delivering is superficial observations of the world around us rather than deep analysis, shrill opinion rather than considered judgment.” In his view Web 2.0 is changing the cultural landscape and not for the better. By undermining mainstream media and intellectual property rights, he says, it is creating a world in which we will “live to see the bulk of our music coming from amateur garage bands, our movies and television from glorified YouTubes, and our news made up of hyperactive celebrity gossip, served up as mere dressing for advertising.” This is what happens, he suggests, “when ignorance meets egoism meets bad taste meets mob rule.”

-- Andrew Keen author of The Cult of the Amateur

small conversations that become creative bits

When a fifteen-minute exchange with a complete stranger on my nyc trip becomes an anti-drug campaign.

see his portfolio here.

Save the date

July 11th.

Important for two reasons:

Reason one::
siesta awareness day

Reason two::
free slurpees on July 11th at all 7-11s.

Hateship

Was just thinking about people. And by “people” I really mean scumbags.

You know the type.

The ones with giant egos thinly veiled behind spirituality, or their quest for humanity, or their so called "art."

The ones who are always the first to toot their own horns.

The ones who shower you with praise thinly veiled as really soliciting praise for themselves. Ego. Ego. Ego.

I was thinking about Clark.

You know as in “Lewis and Clark.”

Why wasn’t history recording their partnership as “Clark and Lewis?”

CLARK and Lewis.

Because I bet Lewis was an aforementioned scumbag and took all the glory, whilst Clark probably did all the real work. He recorded their explorations for fuck’s sake. I mean with a first name of “Meriwether” Lewis had to be a scumbag.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop: push it

can't breathe.

too.
excited.

thank you goddesses of everything hip hop.

salt-n-pepa are back. Mmm. push it.

colloquialisms

barf
throw up
spew
vomit
hack
up chuck
chuck
hurl
puke
ralph
snarf
spew
toss

twinkies,
snickers,
cornnuts,
circus animal cookies,
raspberry sorbet,
really really really old Halloween candy,
and
strawberry wafers

What is every mother’s nightmare?
Try this one:
Waking up in the middle of deep sleep to the sounds of harsh baritone melodies of two girls barfing their guts out.

Pssst. Internets.
I am about to be gross.
Stop.
Reading.
Here.
If you have a weak disposition.

I woke up to a room filled with florescent pink vomit.
Vomit every.where

My kidlette and her cousin took it upon themselves to eat every last bit of junk food in my house within a span of 30 minutes. Junk food that I didn’t even know existed within my cupboards. (Okay, so I may have purchased the twinkies, cornnuts, and raspberry sorbet, but strawberry wafers? Where the hell did those come from?)

So, I spent my regularly scheduled sleeping hours cleaning up vomit.

Ah, youth. So sweet.

Bits that I found G U T wrenchingly funny
this weekend:

bit one:
advice from friend:
“Don’t feed the bears”
(in reference to placing too much attention to
asshats who do not deserve your attention.)

bit two:
New word to add to my pocket Merriam-Webster
Unabridged Dictionary:

star•chi•tect, n.
Somebody whose job it is to design overrated
buildings, and who possesses a ginourmous ego,
and
who bores the hell out of you.

here. and here. and here.

except when you behave in a bad bad way, and make an ass of yourself in front of a bunch of people, resulting in the performance bits of your “performance art” missing a step, and you won’t look my direction the entire time, because you keep thinking about how I called you a c*nt earlier, and how you deserved to be called that word, in every sense of that word.
Pssst.
I belong here.
And here.
And here.
And oh, yes…here.

Natural History of the Dazed and Abused

People (and by "people" i really mean "asshats, fat fucks, and fuck tards") ...People with one item in the checkout line at the grocery store…who give you the stare down.

You know the one.

The one where they glance at their one item, then your large basket of a millions items, then back at their one item, shrugging their shoulders and really stating and not asking if they can go ahead of you in line… FUCK TARD.

Because inevitably they pay with a check and the register jams, and their one item requires a price check.

All the while another fat fuck comes up to the line with their ONE item, commencing with the same one-item-stare-down bullshit all over again.

And you look like the asshole because you already let fuck tard cut in line and there is now way in hell you are going to let this fat fuck cut in line.

Breathe.

morning cup of voodoo

mexican radio :: wall of voodoo

Hallelujah is French for mascara

Poppets, let me introduce you to the wise words of Tammy Faye.

"Hallucinations are really interesting, they're something I never had before, and I saw cartoons."

She has more to say here

Tammygram anyone?

Beauty School Drop-Out

So, motherhood has had its challenges.
Nursing. So NOT natural. It was a pain in the ass but I did it.
Diapers? Uh, so gross. I think I threw a kegger when my kidlette started using a toilet and I could walk down the diaper aisle and rejoice in the fact that I didn’t have to engage in that gaggy task anymore.

So ten years later, you would think the worst was behind me. Um, think again grasshopper.

I give you this morning.

Kidlette walks into to the kitchen…
“Mommy? I think I need help.”

She has one of those fucked up roller brushes (see figure 1.) stuck in her hair. I mean STUCK. IN. HER. HAIR.

Her hair was rolled up entirely into the brush. I spent 20 minutes trying to untangle it, dousing it in conditioner, but nothing would untangle the mess. Finally I told her that she had three choices:
1. Go to school with the brush tangled in her hair.
2. I cut it out.
3. I yank it out.

She got hysterical “I don’t want to go to school like this!!!”
Okay, so that leaves two choices, I cut it out or I yank it out.
“I don’t want you to cut my hair!!!!”
Okay, that leaves only one choice, I yank it out.

So I yanked. She was totally brave and didn’t shed a tear. After I got the brush out she took it upon herself to THROW. THE. BRUSH. IN. THE. TRASH.

Um, so how was your morning?

five six seven porn.

Errr. hello poppets.
time slipped past. forgive my lack of communication, i've got lots of stories for you, which may or may not include porn.

but i digress... today is may 6th, 2007. aka five six seven.

here is a link to smooth things over:
my town is SLO popular.

Oh, the porn story.
I got asked out to dinner a couple of weeks ago by a hipster hottie -- who over dinner -- i learned, writes porn for a living. yes. i said "porn." He writes the DVD jackets for porn movies. He even has a pornstar writer alias. and poppets, it is awesome. I also learned OVER dinner that his wife is divorcing him because she fell in love with her female roller derby teammate now known as "soulmate."

i would have stayed for dessert, but he kept using the term "girl" in place of "woman," and i just couldn't stomach it any longer, so i walked away without saying a word. i mean, really! No words were necessary.

He had an interesting tattoo. which i was able to snap before the date so abruptly ended.

Stupor-ex boyfriends in strange places

First was sponsored by Martha Stewart.

Now, flipping through another magazine? I give you Stupor-ex boyfriend #345
(refer to photo)

woman bits

Two things:

:: thing one ::
Does anyone know what happened to Bridget Fonda? She is MIA.

:: second thing ::
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
"When they stopped making Quaaludes."
--Penny Marshall in Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire, May 2007

I love DICK

He knew it was Christmas.

He documented the best bits of the ‘80s:
the tears, fears, guns and later even spears.

Poppets I give you writer, director, producer,
Nigel Dick

links will provide youtube videos for your guilty viewing pleasures:
:: Bob Geldof’s original Band Aid video “Do They Know It's Christmas”
:: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears
:: "Shout" by Tears for Fears
:: "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses
:: "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Kurt Vonnegut RIP

"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- `God damn it, you've got to be kind."

a little summa ...

bits to make up a summary of recent non-events
ONE: gilroy gardens formerly bonfonte gardens ---
the most easter-sunday fun this heathen has had in recent years.
spun around on giant garlic cloves until we were sick --preceded by a large helping of garlic fries.
link to gilroy gardens


TWO: um, blades of glory? funn.Y!
yes, i laughed. i chuckled. i cracked a rib laughing. why? it is potty humor, i never laugh at that, but it was bat-shit crazy ass funny. See the trailer here

THREE: stuffed koala bear porn
just because.

I am just a dirty, rotten, heathen...

"We know more than we can use. Look at all this stuff I've got in my head: rockets and Venetian churches, David Bowie and Diderot, huoc mam and Big Macs, sunglasses and orgasms. And we still don't know nearly enough."
----Susan Sontag, Debriefing

In my head:

• sunless tanner experiments
• strategic hoping, guessing, praying
• health with a side of bacon

sunless tanner experiments?
i only tanned one leg.
Yes. i said
one.
leg.
i wanted to see if i liked my pale self or my bronzed self better, coupled with the need to know if this shit really does work. you laugh? all my girlfriends are thanking me for the service i have done for pasty-pale chickness.

strategic everything?
sometimes when life is so hard and you are backed into a corner, you tend to pull out all the stops.
desperation sets in.
like, hope.
then guessing.
followed by prayer.
Only to discover that you are nothing less than a
dirty.
rotten.
heathen.
and, HELL. that snaps it all into perspective and you work your way out of the corner. Problem solved.

health?
dude. because i am a
dirty.
rotten.
heathen.
i am destined to wreak havoc on earth for another 70 years, because poppets, the festering tumor was benign.
nothing a little surgery couldn't resolve.
badabing badaboom. in. out. snip snap. all taken care of.

so enough about me...how are you?

closed for re-animation

Hello poppets.

taking a bit of a break.

life just got complicated. crossing my fingers that i will see the bright side of things.

will try and come up for air soon.

nibble, nibble.

R.I.P.

What a bummer. I didn't see this coming:

"LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Character actor Calvert DeForest, best known for his dead-pan appearances as the pudgy, bespectacled everyman Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late-night TV show, has died at age 85."

More about Calvert DeForest

C-Ticket Ride: Inner Space

Psssst. Poppets. Do you remember the now extinct Disneyland ride ‘Adventure Thru Inner Space?’

No?


Yes?


No?

You don’t recall shrinking to the size of an atom?
Visual cues

That’s okay, because the internets remembers:

We wish you an enlightening experience. For though your body will shrink, your mind will expand.

List of links for the lazy:
About the Ride

The script from the ride

Flash version of the ride

Vintage Images from the ride

Thanks to:
The Mighty Microscope

Please remove exclamation point found in paragraph 17 subsection C and place firmly up your rectum. Thank you for your time, Human Resources.

I heart my friends.
"H" = you rock sister. Refer to joke below:
"Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
said to them, "I must tell you all something. We
have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

"L" = the most positively bitter woman out there.
"L" provided my image for this post.

birth-ed

all these wonderful beautiful bits were born today.

oh, and so was i...only decades earlier.

and uh, so was my twinny sister.

happy birth-ed day to me. and to my sis. and to the beautiful bits above.

Jerry likes my corn!

NYC in brief.
Flightyness:
“In the event this airliner becomes an oceanliner, your seat does convert to a floatation device.”


Celebrityness:
Will. Will Shortz?
Small talk with Harriet former manager for Iggy Pop (“Jimmy”) and Bowie, as in David.
Adrian Brody, Harvey Weinstein.
Robert Gober.



Foodness:
Café Habana
Cara Cas
Mudd Coffee

Broadwayness:
Grey Garden Delicious. “Jerry likes my corn!”


Artyness:
Moma = saw Jeff Wall bits; Armando Reveron bits.
Met = Fascinated with the old-fashioned coat-check system
Guggenheim = Overwhelmed by Dali; Family Portraits was kicky-cool.




Cityness:
Chinatown.
Subways
Rev. Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Choir








Crabby:
Miranda July. She and I had words. Read: she was confrontational in a bad bad bad pretentious way. Ah, but this is separate blogging fodder.

What I like about you. and you. and you. and you.

Hello party people. I am leaving on a jet plane for the east coast.
With a layover in Chicago coupled with the wicked combination of
bad weather + my fear of flying,
I am not even sure if I will get there.
BUT I am committed to making it an adventure regardless of mishaps.

Fear of flying? Hell, that is what the liquor cabinet in the plane is for.

Bad weather? I will switch gears and head for Seattle or New Mexico.

Either way I am heading out there door with my bags packed and gonna have me a damn good vacation.

Thank you for your bits and suggestions of who to see and what to do! That's what i like about you internets, you always know everything.

Wish me luck poppets!

I leave you with the words of John Denver:
All my bags are packed
I’m ready to go
I’m standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin’
It’s early morn
The taxis waitin’
He’s blowin’ his horn
All ready I’m so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when Ill be back again.

oscar is my homeboy

Kumbaya right off a cliff
:: Things wrong w/ ryan seacow: passes up my man Gael Garcia Bernal on the red carpet
:: maggie gyllenhaal = two dead pigeons on the sides of her head
:: Jennifer Hudson wearing tin-man chic
:: john travolta’s hair plugs!!! Hello HDTV!!! Get a clue dude.


Bat-shit crazy over:
:: Portia de rossi
:: James McAvoy (last king of Scotland)
:: Rinko
:: Penelope cruz—queen of the Oscars! Gorgeous!
:: Jessica biel

when your sliding into home, your pants are full of foam…diarrhea
:: Catherine deneuve’s left boob nipple piercing

oH bama!

Barack Obama is not only running for president, he has also created an online dating service

wink.
wink.

i feel...

I feel
acoustically liberated - Audio Books in the Public Domain

I feel
thirsty - A Date with John Waters

I feel
Graphophobic - Google without the “L”

I feel
utterly Phobic - The ultimate list of phobic goodness

life, math, buddha

An elderly friend is close to passing away. She is succumbing to lymphoma and was told yesterday that she has only days left to live.

I knew that she had been battling the cancer but I hadn’t realized how sick she had become, until her sister stopped me on the street and told me. Her sister asked if I could send a note or stop in to the hospital before she passes, because it would mean so much.

I stood there on the sidewalk dumbfounded. Why hadn’t I gone to visit her before it came to this? Why hadn’t I taken the time to stop in and be a better friend?

So I went to the hospital to see her. I brought my daughter with me. I was hesitant, but this friend, in a way, helped raise me to be who I am today. A lot of what she taught me—I have taught my daughter. I wanted them to both to connect again before she dies.

I warned my daughter before we went what to expect. She handled it really well for a ten year-old.

When we walked into the room her husband burst into tears. I cried, my daughter cried. Then my friend spoke. She asked if we heard the lullaby. At first I thought she having a hazy near-death moment where she was hearing the music of the next life or something, but then I realized that there was suddenly a little lullaby playing for a short minute or two. She said to us that the hospital played a lullaby every time a baby was born. Then we heard a newborn baby cry. We all smiled and visited for a little bit longer. Cried one more time and then said our goodbyes.

Later, when I was cooking dinner and my daughter was doing homework, she came up to me and said, “Mom, life is like this math problem. You remove a number from here and move a bit of it over there. It is like our friend and the baby at the hospital: her spirit is being removed from here, and the baby’s spirit is here in it's place.

Tears. Hugs. More tears.

Ten. I always knew she was my Buddha child.

Treat your mama right

Thank the goddess of rap that mr. T has my back.

Master your Mindset

Edit: Play Nice
I had a snippet about the motivational speaker neighbor, but sigh. I erased it. He is a sweet kid and i have all this guilt that i poked fun at him.

So the recap of the "Master your mindset" lecture was this:
:: Only myself, a 12-stepper and a gal showed up.

:: There was no Amway sign-ups, kool-aid in cups, or Heaven's Gate flights booked.

:: He is really just motivated...exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

But I will leave you with this quote from the night:
Motivationally speaking neighbor:
"It took Albert Einstein 5,000 tries to invent the light bulb."

Ouch.

Commence with the campaigning.

Two things.
First thing: Ryan.
Second thing: Gosling.

Nominated for an Oscar for best actor this morning.

Half Nelson was one of my top five movies of 2006.

As if you didn’t know:
Oscar nominations were announced this morning.

California Lawmaker Seeks to Ban Spanking of Children Under 4

"California parents would face jail and a fine for spanking their young children under legislation a San Francisco Bay area lawmaker has promised to introduce next week.

Assemblywoman Sally Lieber, D-Mountain View, said such a law is needed because spanking victimizes helpless children and breeds violence in society.

Lieber said her proposal would make spanking, hitting and slapping a child under 4 years old a misdemeanor. Adults could face up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine."

So, like, what the law is saying is... that it is OKAY to spank a kid older than 4 years old.

Bratty 11 year olds?
Spank away.

Asshole teenager?
Spank 'em, slap 'em. Its all good.

But the real crime here? Sally needs a makeover stat.

Open Letter to Spike Lee

Dear Spike Lee:
Can I call you Spike? No? Yes? No.

Mr. Spike Lee, I am writing to express my gratitude not only for your amazing talent, passion and truth for your craft, but for your cousin.
Your.
……Cousin.
…………Greg.
………………Lee.

I had the opportunity tonight to meet Greg, Ur, Gregory. Uh, Mr. Greg Lee. He too had passion and um, truth for his craft. In fact he exuded passion with the very first words spoken from his lips when I met him:
“I am Greg Lee, Spike Lee’s first cousin.”
[Emphasis on “first.”]

He showed me his diamond encrusted gold ring that read “Do-er” which you personally gave him when you were filming “Do the Right Thing” and in which he was one of the main characters.

Mr. Greg Lee, your first cousin also showed me his jacket that Russell Simmons gave him personally, from Russell’s very own clothing line Phat Farm.

True to his craft, Mr. Lee (not yourself, but your cousin Greg) was so intent on sharing his experience portraying the voice of the Lion in the film ‘The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ that he forgot that Liam Neeson was the voice of the Lion.

Your first cousin, Greg Lee who is in “business for himself” left the bar rather abruptly after receiving a mysterious text message. He left so abruptly he forgot to pay his rather large bar tab.

In closing Mr. Spike Lee, I just want to thank you and the miracle that is your cousin Greg Lee.

Thank you both for fabulous blogging fodder.

Sincerely,

Me.

Hell in a right-hand basket

Poppets, oh poppets.

Have you met the Right Reverend Father Foxy Monsignor Georg Gänswein?

No?

Well let me introduce you.

Right Reverend Father Foxy Monsignor Georg Gänswein meet the poppets.

Poppets meet the Right Reverend Father Foxy Monsignor Georg Gänswein.

He is the current Pope’s private secretary, or better known as “right hand man.”
Wink.
Wink.

Um, is it just me or is he a stone cold fox?

Signed,
Sister Mary Choney Going to Hell

Little bits of this and that

This: Good question

That:
Um, so like I am being bumped up into the next demographic soon [no longer am I in the 18-34 survey bracket] and I am planning myself a little mid-life crisis in NYC the first week of March.

Yes. I am F.L.Y.I.N.G. on an airplane.

I have cancelled three trips at the last minute because I chickened out about flying. So cross your fingers that I make it on the plane this time.

I am going to see my favorite artist like ever, Miranda July. And I get to stay in a triplex whose tenantude includes…

Wait for it…

Parker Posey.

Okay. There may or may not be further bits. But I will leave you to chew on these for now.

knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door

They wore arm bands that read: "Heaven's gate away team"... waiting for this guy to appear.

And they even had a press release

Anywho, poppets... they are back.

Golden child

Let’s talk about the elephant in the living room. Yes, grasshopper you are correct, this is the first time in like years---that I haven’t “live blogged” the Golden Globes.
Why?
Well, they were B.O.R.I.N.G.
I was like, Zzzzzzz.

But in other related news, guess who won the Globe Pool?
Me?
Nope.
Guess again.

My 10 year-old protégé?

YES!!!!

She kicked all of our asses with her spot-on guesses. (hello! She even guessed that Bill Nighy would be a winner!)

So what is a 10 year-old going to do with $150 dollars? She says she is going to Disneyland.

So proud.

internets high five

Dear Internets;

I have friends in my life [and by friends, i really mean to say people], who need your cyber blessings.
:: One has a kicky-cool job opportunity;
:: one has a potential show at a kicky-cool gallery;
:: the other is a big nerd and needs an extreme makeover situation STAT.

Here is a virtual candle for them:




They are good people [and by people, I really mean to say friends] they need these good things to happen.

High-fives all around,
Me.

ring. ring. ring. hello?

oh, poppets.

the havoc i can wreak with this one.

I give you the popularity dialer

won't you be my neighbor?

wow. my neighborhood went from student party hell, to very very interesting in a matter of months, maybe even weeks.

mr. roger's neighborhood here we come.

:: neighbor across from me:
cross dressing electrician

:: neighbor to the right of me:
retired gay man who likes to watch madonna's pseudo documentary "truth or dare," over and over and over again.

:: neighbor below:
crazy.
lonely.
possibly homicidal.

The newest addition…
:: neighbor to the left of me:
motivational speaker who can't spell, but I won't hold that against him. [see below]

---------- Original message ----------
I am going to be speaking about the importance of a positve attitude, how to live a well rounded life, as well as goal setting!!! I have a couple evercisizes i am going to be doing to get the croud involved!!! It is going to be awsome, I am so excited!!!!! I will drop a flyer by soon!!!

I think he may be excited. Just a hunch.

:: And then there is me.
[comments open for your insights…]

A phat list of five things that you probably don't know about me

1. My family’s hometown is Truth or Consequences, NM

2. My name was “Baby B” until I was almost 2-months old. My twin sister claims “B” stood for “Brat”

3. A psychic told me last week that I will soon meet a Scorpio who will change my life

4. I listen to conspiracy radio, EVERY night: Art Bell and George Noory.

5. I forgot to feed my hamsters when I was like eight years old and they ate each other’s legs until only nubs remained. (did I just say that out loud?!)

Sticky Note to Self

Must remember to start my own cult.

Borrow the idea from this guy:
message from a cult leader

Of 2006

Book of the year
Twilight of the Superheroes
By Deborah Eisenberg

Also:
The Road
By Cormac McCarthy

Movie of the year
Little Miss Sunshine

Also:
Half Nelson

Person of the year
Barack Obama

Euphemism of the year
Is this on?

Politico of the year
Democrats

Interweb of the year
gmail

Moment of the year
Cheney shooting that guy in the face.

Song of the year
Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkley
What went right? What went wrong?
Was it the story - or was it the song?
Was it overnight - or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?

Karaoke, ladders, curse words

This One Goes Out to the One I Love: Karaoke on my mind
In the midst of my nursing wounded limbs and popping Vicodin, I could hear whispering between my kidlette and sister---
words like
“karaoke”
and
“eBay”
were spoken.
Kidlette asks me if the “machine” could be delivered to our house. I mumble yes.

Two weeks later I get a note on my door reading that there is a package waiting at the front office for kidlette. I go in to pick it up and the maintenance guy offers to help me get it back to my house. I say no, I can manage. He says, but it took TWO of us to get it off the truck.
Two?
He points to a very very large box (at least 4ft high)
Oh.
Crap.

Side of box reads “Karaoke.”
Oh. My. Effing. God.
Maintenance guy(s) get it up the first flight of stairs and park the box in my living room.
Quick call to my sister:
ME: What the F#%! ??
Sister: Huh?
ME: There is a F#%!ing Large karaoke box in my living room. It took two guys to get it here.
Sister: I got it on eBay, It can’t be that big. It is probably just the packaging.
ME: [Opens box.] Dude, it is so not the packaging… [refer to photo]



Is This Stupid: Very High Ladders in Private Spaces
Innkeeping last week, discovered that a smoke alarm was incessantly chirping. Alarm just happened to be at the top of a 30ft ceiling.
So it is super close to the holidays and NO ONE is around. NO ONE.
I decide to problem solve on my own.

First things first. I need a ladder.
Find ladder in shed. Maneuver it up stairs, realize that it is no where close to reaching smoke alarm. Re- maneuver the ladder back down the stairs.
What to do.
What to do.
Light bulb!
Borrow a REALLY tall ladder from independently owned and operated movie theatre.
So two options for ladders.
Option one, is a very TALL step ladder. Crap. Won’t fit in my automobile.
Option two, is a very TALL extension ladder. Perfect. Fits in my automobile with back open.

Get back to the smoke alarm situation room.
Maneuver ladder up the stairs.
Realizing that the beautiful hardwood floors could be scratched by the extension ladder, I decide to lay my jacket down UNDER the ladder, before I lean it against the wall.
UNDER.
THE.
LADDER.

Let’s pause here to reflect.
I am alone -- about to climb a really f#%!ing tall ladder, that is sitting on a jacket which is laying atop SLIPPERY hardwood floors.
Is this stupid?
Yes. Yes this is.
It takes me 20 minutes to get the courage to get to the top of the ladder. (because note to readers, I AM DEATHLY afraid of heights.) All the while as I am climbing, the ladder is almost shaking itself loose from the wall. I get to the top, only to grasp the concept that I must LET GO of the ladder in order to remove and replace the battery for the smoke alarm.
Crap.
Using only one hand, I manage to rip the entire alarm right out of the wall, climb back down the ladder, all without breaking my neck.
I stood there looking up and my knees practically gave out.
Holy mother of jesus that was THE stupidest thing ever. Stupid.

So my question for 2007 will be “Is this Stupid?” (Actually, to sound more esoteric, “Is this Wise?”)

Curse Words: Promises, promises.
My kidlette no longer wishes to hear me speak another curse word. EVER.
I am trying. Trying really really really hard.

2006
I took giant leaps of love with reckless abandon.

I made new friends, and rekindled old friends.

Kept my chin up.

Conquered fears.

2007. oh you odd year. Be good to me.

Question for 2007?

:: Am I finding balance?

(also, is this stupid?)

Births, Deaths, Cocaine, and the Madonna Inn

One:
Happy Birthday Jesus.

Two:
Goodbye Godfather of Soul.
Remember that time in the Atlanta Georgia airport lounge when you bought me a screwdriver?
You remember.
It was your first day out of prison.
I was sitting at the bar next to your bodyguard and you, totally smashed -- with your head on the bar.
You bought me the screwdriver and spoke in the third person, “that’s from Jimmy. Jimmy loves you.”
We walked out of the lounge together and the paparazzi started snapping our photo. I could just imagine the headlines: “James Brown out of prison --- runs into the waiting arms of his trailer trash girlfriend.”

We will always have Atlanta.

Three:
Hot guy-guest wearing only his underwear walking into the kitchen as I am making breakfast:*
Hot Guy: “Got any cocaine?”
Me: “No.”
Hot Guy: “What about coke?”
Me: “Is that the same as cocaine, or do you mean like the soda?”
Hot Guy: “Coke as in cocaine.”
Me: “No.”
Hot Guy: “What do you got?”
Me: “Pop Tarts.”
Hot Guy: “Okay. That floats.”
* I am Innkeeping at a B&B for the holiday.

Four:
Christmas dinner was at the Madonna Inn coffee shop where we ordered lobster and hot chocolate.
Yes, I said lobster + hot chocolate. Feliz Navidad.

merry holidays poppets!

nothing says happy holidays like run DMC.

Death by Oh ARE E OH.

Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Go now.

and then, Wham! He is back!

All i wanted for Christmas was a George Michael come-back tour.

Thanks Santa!

Bruiser

I thought about posting a photo of my arms, but they look kind of sick. So here is a partial definition of “bruise” that my sister found on the interwebs instead:

The Bruise, or the reward for a regretful moment of unskillfullness.

Speaking of my sister, she is a goddess. She drove her ass up here without hesitation to nurse my arms and call me cripple.

Another thing about my sister. We have been waiting for years for our wonder twin powers to kick in…years. Waiting. Years. Nothing. But they finally got here!

My sister said that at the exact moment of my stupidity, she got this vision that something rectangular was falling. Which was the exact moment the mother-fucking table fell on my arms!!!!

She also bought me these lovely conjoined twins ginger snaps:


Okay, back to my vicodin slumber-coma party.

Paging Ms. Catastrophe...

Pro

1. They’re not broken
2. I can type with my right hand
3. Vicodin, baby!
4. I have a solid excuse to lay in bed for the entire weekend

Con

1. Right arm is in a sling
2. Left arm is in an elbow brace
3. The bathroom situation is not pretty

So it's like this:
A 200 pound table landed on both of my arms.
The arms immediately swelled up.
Next step? The Emergency Room.
Result? Miraculously nothing was broken because:
A. I come from good genes.
B. My very large jewelry braced most of the impact. But the downer is that one of my favorite rings and both bracelets are toast.

I have two very large and wicked bruises on each arm though.

And the pain pretty much sucks ass.
But
the
Vicodin
makes me
not
care.

Singing In the Rain

No Gene Kelly, but it's got a nice beat.

The West Coast is rainy with a chance of meatballs.
Just thought you should know.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you an important announcement: Pigs can Fly

Uh, dudes. BRAD PITT + Golden Globe Nomination/ Best Actor?

Really?

So, like I saw Babel. I liked it. Brad was good and all. But Globe worthy? Um, no.

So the Globes officially kick off my Oscar Season Goodness.

Stay tuned.

internets + art = huh?

Label me?

12th day

Not all anniversaries mark a celebration. It took me a full year to realize the baby I miscarried on this day a year ago, was lost on the same day as the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

It took me a full year to realize I didn’t attend the Our Lady of Guadalupe procession or mass last year--the first time in 9 years, I didn’t go.

It took 365.242199 days for me to pause, and realize that I am okay. I got through it all. In one slightly crumpled piece.

Tonight, 8 765.81277 hours from last year, I will be surrounded by family, friends and the celebration of the Virgin de Guadalupe. I will light a candle at the Virgin’s altar and
p a u s e.

The other night I was out to dinner and chatting up two very kind women tourists. When they got up to leave, one of the women said “Enjoy the rest of your life.”

Enjoy. The. Rest. Of. Your. Life.

Meaning, enjoy the rest of your life a minute from now, a week, a month, a year.

I am okay, and enjoying the rest of my life. My 2006…and 2007 when it gets here.

Farrahphernalia

It's a word.

really.

Farrahphernalia, noun. meaning, gear associated with,
or sold by Farrah Fawcett.


link it yourself.

Brought to you by the letters G R I and M

Tomorrow’s assignment: Find the wonder.

Transfixed

So there is no way to go about this saying this except for being perfectly blunt.
A TRANNY has moved in directly across from me.

What I mean to say is that there is a transsexual transvestited transgendered electrician who lives in the town house within accessible eyewitness view of my bedroom window, living room window, and balcony window.

HeShe’s favorite weekend outfit is a long denim skirt, heels, and a fuzzy sweater that accompanies a long brunette wig. Sometimes it is just the long denim skirt, heels, a fuzzy sweater, a bald-head and five o’clock shadow.

It is like my own private soap opera right outside my window.

Barbie, is so not cool.

Me: “why are you crying little sister?”

Little girl: “I don’t like the present I got.”

Me: [noticing the Barbie watch in her hands] “I don’t blame you, Barbie is Über-dumb.”

Little girl: “No one wanted to trade with me.”

Me: “How about I give you a dollar instead?”

Little girl: “No way Jose! My uncle can sell it on e-bay for at least $5!”

billy wray serious!

Um, like dude. William Wray is gonna show some of his kicky-cool plein air paintings here in my little bitty slotown.

because they are urban, i am ok with the plein.

Mr. Wray has something to say about it.

And, by the by, if you want to attend the opening, you need to rsvp.

Un-invented take two.

damn. another one bites the dust. not only did i invent astro-turf, in which someone else later "invented"--- i also invented a giant wall made out of a lite-bright.

But then these folks go and "invent" a concrete version.

quaker earth

Google Earth: 35.631N 120.754W




yikes.

earthquake.

yikes.

thanksgiving recap

rained.
cold.
saw a celebrity.
cold.
wet.
ate.
ate smores.
tequila fits in somehow.
ouch.
children unaccounted for (read: lost) approx. 3 hours.
children found.
dank.
skateboarded.
fell.
skateboarded.
impressed pre-teen boys w/ my ollie skills.
fell.
bruised.
realized i am old.
ate.
came home.

meme-o-licious

still unclear on the meaning of "meme," i am still willing to participate in anything Pants or Rakka do.

lemony linkity

what I am thankful for

KitKats.
Tampons.
My sister is a “winner.”
Clairol 100% gray coverage hair coloring.
A daughter who still thinks I am rock-star cool.
The opportunity to use the word “chantoozy” in a sentence.

pillow talk

Craig Thompson's Blankets

"...sometimes upon waking, the residual dream can be more appealing than reality, and one is reluctant to give it up.

For a while, you feel like a ghost--
--not fully materialized, and unable to manipulate your surroundings. or else, it is the dream that haunts you.

You wait with the promise of the next dream. But the act of waking is dependant on remembering.

We use ritual as a mnemonic device--
--holidays as a ritual with meaning--
--and the seasons as increments of measurement.

How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface.

To make a map of my movement--
--no matter how temporary."

dolled up meme

i am a sucker for memes

Little did she know…

Once in a while a movie will have an unexpected impact on me. Magnolia, is one that stayed with me for years. (Human suffering, with scars that remain hidden but everyone is feeling pain equally.)

Stranger Than Fiction, had the same impact.
I came out of the movie wondering if I am living the life I should be?

I saw similarities: The main character’s life was empty of passion, and mine is pent up passion waiting for a life.

Do I have the power to rewrite my life’s story? Am I locked into fate, my life arranged in some typed outline that I am powerless to change?

I am grappling with choice and fate.
Am I in control of my own fate or is it in control of me?

Waaaasss OUT. Waaaasss IN

Out: Parent-teacher conferences
In: ‘My kid made the honor-roll’ email alerts

Out: Monogamy
In: Monopoly

Out: Courtesy
In: Bringing back offensive

Out: Social Networking
In: Inter-webbing on the down low

Out: Pleather
In: Fur baby, fur

Out: Shabby Chic
In: Chic

Out: Stick Shifts
In: Automatics

Out: You
In: Me

Out: Ugly
In: Ugly Beautiful

Out: Acid wash jeans w/ heels
In: Linen

Out: Hemp
In: Rayon

Out: Christmas
In: Ramadan

Out: Long irrelevant questions
In: Stone cold silence (speaks volumes)

Out: Crying
In: Howling

It has come to this…

I have resorted to letting a magic 8-ball guide me in my day-to-day decision-making.

Is that bad?

parametric statistic

Dear [bleep]:

This may come as a complete surprise, please don’t take it the wrong way…but it has all been a charade.

We have passed the 6-month milestone in this relationship and I am not who I appear to be.
I appear outwardly artistic, but I am really inwardly parametric statistic.

Big words. I know.

I am unclear of their meaning too. But because of this indefinable affliction I must part ways with you. I am venturing out into the interwebs in search of the meaning of it all.

It’s not you.
It’s
me.

I will always love you. ®

Thursday Morning Words to the Wise

Brigitte Bardot:
It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.

Britt Ekland:
I don't sleep with happily married men.

Dorothy Sayers:
As I grow older and older, / And totter toward the tomb, / I find that I care less and less / Who goes to bed with whom.

Susanna Pomeory:
If at first you don't succeed, why go on and make a fool of yourself?

Don't Blow It

Attention Democrats with our future in their hands:

Don't Fuck This Up.

hanging chads...

V O T E.


ps
um. like. please don't vote for

IDIOTS.

emotional noise

seeking quiet today.

seeking the right path so i can listen.

b r e a t h e.

what's good

$5 lou reed tickets.

best.
concert.
of.
the.
year.

the fine art of de-seduction

Pssst. Internets.
How does one properly end a relationship?
Phone?
Email?
In person?
Smoke signals?

I haven't quite mastered the break up technique. Neither has Jay Dahl.
I give you:
Don’t break up with megan

re: the Dim-witted

I am happy to know someone is concerned about the future:
Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge.

Note to self: Save the world one date at a time---DO NOT date “dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.”

Disclaimer: if you know the definition of “sweathog” then please continue reading. If not, you are too young and should be kicked in the ass

Take a walk with me poppets. Remember Welcome Back Kotter?

Remember that episode where the Sweathogs go on a field trip to a museum and get locked in with the fucking cuckoo for cocoa puffs curator?

I had a dream last night where I walked into work and I WAS THAT CURATOR. The Sweathogs were there (Barbarino, Horseshack) and they were fighting over the last lime flavored Shasta Cola in the refrigerator.

They kept asking me who I liked better: Barbarino or Horseshack?

I suddenly lost all mental faculties and I grabbed the lime flavored Shasta Cola and told them both to go fuck themselves then proceeded to shake it really really really hard and set it down in between them, and walked away.

Heh? What does it all mean? TELL ME!!!!
What.
Does.
It.
All.
Mean?

let them eat cake...

marie antoinette not Ms. Sophia's best work.

As my friend said last night:

"It was as if Sophia and a bunch of her friends passed a bong around and came up with each scene in the movie with every toke of the bowl."

steamed...

So i let some steam off last night and went out... had wine (gasp!) and champagne (crikey!)

This morning? Slight headache, slow to get motivated, trying to remember who i may or may not have insulted last night.

love and kisses,
burnt

An Artists Double Life

An installation/performance where she climbed into a big black box, 8 months pregnant and stuck her stomach out of a hole for everyone to see.

Damn. Wish I had thought of that.

Andrea Fryer is a kicky-cool mum.

bummer

Words escape me.
No words.
Okay, maybe one:
ASS.HAT.

The Molecular Structure of Single DNA Complexes with Positively Charged Dendronized Polymers

(or read: Why me, myself, and all my friends are STILL single)

Spent the afternoon yesterday with a kicky-cool colleague hypothesizing single-hood. Oh, there were daddy-complex theories, wanting to be wanted theories, spinster-envy, 100% laziness, egoism, ‘all the good ones are on the wrong team’, Jung, Freud--it was ALL discussed.

Web sites were appraised and laughed at (www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com and www.whyyourestillsingle.com)

No real definitive answers resulted, aside from gut-wrenching laughter, and that we are all kinda, dare I say it?
HAPPY.

Duh!

fAt elvis spreads the love

off-center

I am feeling a bit off-centered.
That feeling when walking upstairs
and
....you
.......miss
..........a step

and for a split second there is only







emptiness.

And you know that you will find your footing again
but still trapped in that split second of emptiness
....you kind of panic?

I think that is where I am right now.
I am unsure of
....the
.......next
...........step.

Asking

Asking a long overdue “why”
Asking does one die on exhale or inhale?
Asking for patience.
Asking for the right answers.

My question for 2006 was “what is my intention?”

With a few months remaining of ’06, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Nobel

I am obsessed with Nobel:
The Nobel Peace Prize.
Nobel Prize In Literature.
And yes, even the geeky laureates in the sciences.

Dr. King was awarded the Peace Prize during his lifetime.
Read his speech: here

The year I was born there was no Peace Prize awarded. Huh, weird.

Literature and Peace come October 12 & 13th, respectively.

Go find your prize

Random acts of blindness

Her: I need the thumbs up or thumbs down on my Halloween costume idea.

Him: Okay. Go. Lets hear it.

Her: I am going to wear a tool-belt with a bunch of tools sticking all out, a hardhat, and a sexy apron that reads “home-wrecker.”

Him: Silence.

Her: Okay. Cool. Thanks for the feedback.

people, heads exploding, and mix tapes.

One:
People (and by people I mean assholes) have many buttons. Find the right one and well, their heads will explode.

Two:
I was the queen of the mix tape back in the day.

Some linkage for you:
The art of the mix

Mix tape on NPR

Mix Tape the book

How to be

Spending my recent free time reinventing some things.

Tricky thing, reinvention.

B R E A T H E.

(image: dora maar, mistress to Picasso)

why not now

set upon the immediate.

always take chances.

hokey pokey confessions

confessing

Death Becomes Them

Jim Henson
Perry Como
Elizabeth Montgomery
Andy Kaufman

What do they all have in common? They all died in the month of May.

Curious about the causes of death of the rich, famous and infamous?

Need to know who died of volcanic eruption, Uremia, or a fall?

I give you:
Dead or Alive.
No. Not the band

...the web site.

Life Sonnets or the alternate title: Sometimes I Make Things in the Crock-pot That Come Close to Being Classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction

Everyone has their story. Their life summed up in one or two paragraphs. The abridged version of where they used to be and what sequences of events led up to today.

My story is so NOT abridgeable.

My story is best t